3 years later....and it's still like yesterday!

I think the title sums up everything about today....our hearts are so full....both heavy and joyous...we've been beyond blessed with the love of our lives Dj yet..our hearts yearn for more.

This day feels like yesterday...Clara Grace.

Bedrest & Hospitals!!

Well I am writing this from bed as that has been my second home for the past 3 days and will be at least until tomorrow and I'll be on a modified bedrest the rest of the weekend. Hopefully by Tuesday things will be back to normal and I'll be able to go back to work. We don't have a follow up appt until Thursday next week and hopefully all goes well!!

Tuesday was Clara's birthday and we decorated her grave super cute!! She had pinwheels & giant birthday yard signs!

Thursday we were in the hospital for half a day for my surgery. We got to get home around midnight and then it was amazing to get to sleep in my own bed and I know that David was happy to be home. Well meds are kicking in so Im gonna rest again.

A heavy heart...<3

It's minutes before I leave to get lab work done...I thought I'd catch up...we're 12 weeks now with baby Peanut. We see the specialist and the doctor in a week and its so surreal how much you just want to see that your baby is ok and find out from the doctor that things are going alright....so we're anxiously waiting!! I had a bit of a scare this past week and got put on bedrest for 2 days!! I prayed and prayed yet at the same time...just put my life and Peanut's in God's Hands. He knows what he has in store for our lives and thats all we can hope for! So for the moment until I see the doctors Im on modified bedrest with work privledges and rest after!!

Our journey through pregnancy will certainly be an adventure that comes with some heartache. I know personally speaking as much as I look forward to the specialist appointment I fear it at the same time....

Tomorrow is a very important day for us...Clara's Angel~versary!! The year that we never thought we'd live through is coming to an end! And WE MADE IT!! Our family has truly been blessed and I can't help but think that Clara has a hand in all of this...Mommy got a job teaching, Mommy & Daddy got married!! and now our family is growing!!

A Day of Memories!!

Well....as I was checking out some stuff online...It was brought to my attention that today is the National Day of Miscarriage and Infant Loss. Its amazing how even just those words alone bring so much meaning and memories back. We have a daughter that will always be in our hearts. I read this online at Bring the Rain and its so true:

All of us who have lost babies know that it isn't just one day a year.
It's Tuesday, when all the other kids are playing on the swingset.
It's Sunday, when you don't have one to bring to Sunday school.
It's Thursday, when you wish you could know what her favorite after-school snack would have been.
It's Friday, and you can't stop crying.
It isn't one day, it's every day. Relief comes in pockets but the truth is that there is a gap that cannot be filled here. I feel that today as the rain falls outside and the day beckons me to move in spite of my brokenness.

Glory Baby by Watermark

My sister sent me a message to go check out this link..Heartlink.org well from there I read a testimony from some parents who lost their baby also. I found this song....its on our site now but here are the lyrics...I think it sums up a feeling I've felt on this healing journey..

Glory baby you slipped away as fast as we could say baby…baby..
You were growing, what happened dear? You disappeared on us baby…baby..
Heaven will hold you before we do Heaven will keep you safe until we’re home with you…
Until we’re home with you…

Miss you everyday
Miss you in every way
But we know there’s aday when we will hold you
We will hold you
You’ll kiss our tears away
When we’re home to stay
Can’t wait for the day when we will see you
We will see you
But baby let sweet Jesus hold you
‘till mom and dad can hold you…
You’ll just have heaven before we do
You’ll just have heaven before we do

Sweet little babies, it’s hard tounderstand it
‘cause we’re hurting
We are hurting But there is healing
And we know we’re stronger people through the growing
And in knowing-
That all things work together for our good
And God works His purposes just like He said He would…
Just like He said He would…

BRIDGE: I can’t imagine heaven’s lullabies
and what they must sound like
But I will rest in knowing, heaven is your home
And it’s all you’ll ever know…all you’ll ever know…

Getting my ducks in a row!!

Today is my last day of the week to get things ready and in order for my trip to Ft. Worth and before the weekend. I leave tomorrow at 7 am for the Stock shows. This trip should be interesting...I will be driving the whole way to Ft. Worth and pulling over to switch with my dad right before we hit traffic. I am really hoping to get together with Sharon while Im in the area..it'll be nice to see a friend and just TALK ABOUT LIFE!! I don't know sometimes what I would do without her...she's a wonderful listener. I am pushing to be back in town on Friday by at least 5 pm because my friend/cooperating teacher Erika is having her 30th birthday party at the Beehive downtown and I already owe her since I totally slept thru our lunch date today for her bday. Its certainly going to be an interesting party actually mingling with teachers that I have worked with on a social basis not school!! CRAZY!! So today has been kinda rough emotionally...somethings happen and you just have to push thru them and keep going. I've cleared away most of the flowers that Clara got because they were all dying. I am amazingly still keeping my GIGANTIC PLANT alive still along with the smaller Peace Lillie we recieved. I've been trying my best to keep the house in order ...I learned I can keep up with the laundry while the rest kinda falls off the deep end..so today I've picked up my deep end and Im getting it in order. I feel like all the work Im putting into cleaning is going to be a waste later as shipments of Davids car parts came in today and lord knows how much of a mess he's going to make with packaging and boxes. I've kinda sorta packed but I've got to finish. The only room I have left on my cleaning adventure is the kitchen. It amazes me how much 2 people can have...and our house is pretty small. Well I might get the chance to post pictures of DAVID'S CHRISTMAS as he calls it when car parts come in. I will probably try to do that before I go to bed tonight.

On a side note it has been a God send to have my nephew in town. He has certainly distracted us from life this week. Its crazy how you can stay up till 4 am and still function the next day.

Aside from having a birthday party to go to first thing when I get back on Friday I also have to get myself and my brothers & sisters ready for my reception Saturday morning for EDICUT STUDENT OF THE YEAR. Yes thats right I was chosen student of the year for McMurry's Education dept. Its a small brunch being held and I invited my brothers and sisters to attend. David was attending but opted to give his seat to Chavo so I will also have my nephew!!

Over the weekend!!

We were suppose to go to Colorado City to visit with my oldest sister but Friday I got a tad sick. I woke up running a fever and stayed home and in bed most of the day so that I could rest and hopefully break the fever. By mid afternoon it had primarily gone away but then around 4ish it spiked up to 101 which is what the nurses had said was when I needed to call the office back. Well I called and they were closed ..Im thinking GREAT so then I paged the on call doctor to describe my symptoms to him. He told me to continue taking my antibotic and to take some tylenol every 4 to 6 hours. By the time David came home that night my fever was under control. I'd ordered us a pizza so we had a little Friday night TV watching with some pizza eating. I hadn't had pizza in over a month so it was nice to have some.

Saturday David had to work 5 hrs of OT at work so he was up at 6 am and gone till 12. He got home and then we went to watch Underworld : The Rise of the Lycans with Oscar. I really really liked it but David of course says he didn't like it..not much of a surprise because he hates love stories. I liked the action in the movie and it fit very well with the story lines of the other movies. After that we really didn't do anything had some lunch with Oscar then came home and just hung out at home. They played Star Wars Lego for Wii all night and I woke up around 2 am and David was asleep on the couch so he eventually came to bed.

Sunday I really meant to wake up in enough time for church but I forgot to take my phone off silent so I never heard the alarm. My sister called and said that Father Terry had spoken about Clara during his sermon that day in church in regards to LIFE week. I am certainly a proud mom that even now she is touching other peoples lives. I finally got out of the house on my own tomorrow yes I said it I went by myself...LOL...I drove to see Clara and let her know that her mommy & daddy were doing good and that I was off to get David's birthday present or at least part of it. I know it seems weird that I would go tell her that but I felt it was appropriate to go see her on my first trip out. I had fun shopping at Target. I bought some stuff for the wedding and some clothes.

I also bought David a small portion of his Birthday present. I got him the Super Mario Galaxy game. He'd played it at our friends house and really liked it so I thought he'd like it. He says it was a bit much but I really love celebrating his birthday. Well in general I love celebrating Birthdays!! His gets kinda hard though since its so close to Valentine's Day. He also ordered another portion of what he needs for his car and thats also part of his birthday present from me. As frustrated as I get from that car,,,,I love that he loves it. Well this is enough for this blog..Im sure I'll add another blog later today.

Our precious little angel!!

I had not seen the photos from our last ultrasound but today I decided that I would take a look at them. Im not the greatest at reading them but she's wonderful. This is a picture of her face. The nurse has everything labeled. Its been kinda a rough day today..we went by to see Clara this morning and the funeral home brought over some stuff and what our options are as far as her head stone. Even though I know that she is in a much better place its hard to not want her here with us.

I know that she is watching over us because I can feel her with me everyday. She won't let me give up I've realized that. I don't think that she'd let either one of us stop moving forward. I got a call yesterday that I missed from my Dean at McMurry and she was so so excited to tell me some good news. I have been chosen as STUDENT OF THE YEAR for the Education Dept and have a brunch being held in my honor where I'll recieve a plaque. I have to accept this honor in Clara's name. I always joked that she is who helped me pass all my certification exams. I was so determined then to provide her with a GREAT life and I hope that I have.

David just has tomorrow and then 5 hrs on Saturday of work to get thru then he's home for the weekend. Today his mustang got picked up so that we can begin some work on it. Lori's fiance Tim will be doing most of the work but hopefully it'll be done soon. We are also going to look at a new house tomorrow...maybe the small amount of change in our lives will make sense soon. We are also planning on watching Underworld: The rise of the lycans sometime this weekend. David's birthday is also coming next month now to think of what in the world to buy him. Last year we had a Lightening McQueen cake but not sure what I'll pick for this year.

My 1st day alone!

There are only 45 more minutes until David comes home from his first day back at work. I'vI e made it ok so far. I really missed having him home though. Even though we each usually do our own things around the house its kinda lonely being home alone. However I wasn't home alone the whole time. About an hour after David went to work my friend Erika came over with her daughter Chelsea who OMG is so much bigger than the last time I've seen her. Then about an hour later my brother came over so that we could go to Circuit City's close out sale. I wasn't impressed by the stuff or the sales prices....most of the stuff is cheaper at normal sale prices. Then we went to Academy to find a watch my brother wanted but they didn't have but I found a pair of yoga pants that looked and I am sure are super comfy for $9 I thought until I got to the check out and they were $2!! Woo Hoo even better!! So far today I've spent my entire day watching HOUSE and folding clothes. Sadly Im really tired and I haven't even done anything but I think all the moving and planning from last week and the weekend has finally taken its toll on me. I constantly think of all the things that I need to get done but just have to find the motivation to get those things done. Its kinda sad to think that Im on maternity leave from work but I don't really have "maternity" things to do. Well I started looking back at some of the posts from the past and I think that some of our resolutions have already been completed....we might not have wanted them to be but God had some other plans. I did have our baby and from medical stand points Clara Grace was healthy for her development. Now I have to start working on the rest of it. As far as getting healthier we are trying or will be trying!!

Funeral

Well we made it thru Clara Grace's Funeral. It was a tough day but it was such a loving day. The weather couldn't of been more perfect. We are so appreciative to all our family and friends that came to the funeral....you learn when life is hard who truly cares for you because they are their offering their support and time. As much as you can prepare yourself for something it really doesn't help. I think or at least hope that David & I both were as strong as we could be. It was one of the hardest days in our lives..no parent ever wants to bury their child. She made such an impact on our lives and was only here for such a short time. I know that I have 6 months before we really start trying again for our 2nd child. The funeral service was wonderful. Father George from St. Francis officiated and did a wonderful job. We played Homesick by Mercy Me while people passed along to drop dirt on Clara's coffin. We later had white roses placed around her by our families. The funeral home later had their grounds keepers put her in her grave and I don't think that I could have asked for better care. They draped her spray over her grave along with the other roses as if they were a blanket. We did take her teddy bear home with us so that it wouldn't get dirty or get taken away from her grave. We are looking forward to getting her headstone. We want to make sure that she has the best and has 9 new friends to play with in heaven.

Today we went with David's parents house hunting and we got to pass the cemetary 3 times. Unfortunately it was already dark when we headed home so we weren't able to actually stop by and visit with our baby girl but we will be sure to go by tomorrow and visit her. As we drove by we made sure we told her that we'd see her tomorrow and to be sure to get some sleep up there.

She recieved lots of flowers and we are so Thankful to those that sent them. People don't know how much we are thankful for everything they have done for us. Starting with the viewing and then the funeral there were so many people that made all of this possible. I tried posting this yesterday but lately since our modem had died and we got a new one our internet starts acting up sometimes!

Clara Grace's Obituary/ Death Notice

Obituary

Death Notice

Clara Grace Anderson

Well as most know we went into the hospital with complications on Friday and left the hospital on Tuesday. We still aren't sure what happened and why it happened but that is for God to know and for us to accept. We'd been somewhat hopeful all weekend as the on call doctor Dr. Tadvick kept saying that Clara was a trooper since her little heart kept beating each time he did an ultrasound. Monday morning my doctor came in to do our daily evaluation and found that my body was in full blown labor by this time and that as much as we wanted to keep going it was impossible. I delivered our beautiful daughter around 8:30 am and she was such a fighter that her little heart kept beating for about an hour on her own. However because I was only 19 weeks along her lungs were not fully developed.

This has been one of the most difficult weeks in our lives. We've made funeral arrangements and flower arrangements and had calls from family and friends. We want to say Thank You for all the thoughts and prayers that have been sent our way ...they are certainly needed.

Tomorrow we have Clara Grace's viewing and then on Saturday her funeral...no parent ever wants to bury their child but we will and lets just say it will be hard.

To our precious little guardian angel...Mommy & Daddy love you and always will....you will never be forgotten.


Clara Grace Anderson 1. 12. 09